from the Korean Army to being published

the blog of an "ex-patriot" writer in Korea

Entry #20: Please Buy a Nice Car and Leave Me Be

with 6 comments

My friend, Hole, says that he doesn’t like to meet new people. What he means is that he doesn’t like to meet new people with dicks. Although he doesn’t like to admit that he’s getting older, older people (I’ve long since come to terms with my age) tend to be more practical in the use of their time and energy, particularly in terms of relationships.

Another reason is because conversation with a guy you don’t know is often extremely tiring, precisely because they have a dick: the third-legs-race. The root of all annoying male behavior is our hang-downs. It keeps us grounded in base human (animal) nature. While women have to put up with a different aspect of this, this need to establish that mine is bigger than yours is also a huge pain in the ass, something I really can do without. Talking to someone who feels the need to establish dominance within a group is supremely annoying. Are these people so insecure that they need to make everyone else uncomfortable? Just buy a nice car like everyone else and shut up.

When it comes up in conversation that I have been to the Army, Korean men will inevitably ask, “Where did you serve?” In other words, unzip your pants and put it on the table. When I say that I was at the headquarters of the Second Army in Daegu, the response is always, “Ah, so you spent your time in a comfortable place.” The response is always delivered with a smirk at the small stature of my figurative penis.

It’s very sad and very homosexual in nature. This kind of posturing is like taking a peek at your neighbor when you’re at the urinal. So why do people care? It’s a complicated question, but I can say this. If people didn’t care, the world would probably be less developed. I’m sure many of the billionaires in the world have issues about their size and their drive for success was fueled by their insecurities. Think about it. Would anybody argue that Bill Gates is packing a cannon in his Dockers?

It’s hard to say whether soldiers are worse or not. While they do live in a society where the only people you interact with are males and the basest aspects of human nature can be found, the posturing is structured and institutionalized, and besides, the absence of females might do something to temper the more explicit manifestations of such insecurities. Nevertheless, conscripts also engage in many other examples of irrational and futile behavior.

For instance, a conscript getting ready for leaves and passes is like a little girl getting ready for the prom. These infrequent forays into society are the pinnacles of an otherwise depressing life. They spend the majority of their free time leading up to the day ironing carefully measured creases into their “grade-A” uniforms (one set of BDUs that are never worn for training or manual labor) and buffing a mirror shine into their boots with spit and polish heated with a lighter.

The thing is, nobody cares. Nobody cares that you can cut butter with the creases in your uniform. Nobody cares that you could tan the underside of your nose and chin* with the reflection of your boots. Nobody cares about all of the little things that conscripts do to feel good about themselves. Because to the ordinary civilian, soldiers all look the same. To women, soldiers are practically invisible. Nobody wants to date a conscript.**

(Loose translation. frame2: (1) Woah, this guy, he stands out…!! (2) Look at the creases like knives in that uniform. It seems that unit does five creases. (3) Looks like he also spent about five hours shining those boots…! frame4: (all) Soldiers… (note) Everything is futile.)

It’s the same thing. Why waste time trying to impress someone you’re not trying to fuck? So you served on the front lines, at the GOP, or you did a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan. The only thing the girls care about is that you’re done and that you’re not boring the hell out of them with your stories.***

Yes, I admit that I also engage in this kind of pointless behavior. As a dong-carrying member of the species, I’m not immune to its influence. And yes, I realize that that’s exactly what I’m doing in this book and blog. With the book, I’m hoping that fame and fortune will help me get some. If not, there’s a reason for the coining of the expression “pity-fuck.”

As for this blog, I don’t expect to see any results from this. I realize that I just wrote an entry about dicks.

The orange circles are the same size. Posturing just makes you seem small. Everyone knows that shaving is the best way to make your junk look bigger.

* A reference from David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day

** If you can maintain a relationship with a girl while in the Army, this entry probably doesn’t apply to you.

*** If your actual sexual preference is other men, you’re probably on the right track. It’s like working out. I think guys care more about a ripped body than girls. Why else do you think gay guys are usually ripped?

According to a Dan Brown (The DaVinci Code) symbological perspective, skyscrapers and towering landmarks are also an extension (literally) of these feelings of inadequacy. If so, it’s sad for Seattleites. Our landmark is the Space Needle. Ouch.


6 Responses

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  1. I like the illustration of Bill Gates with a cannon in his Dockers….very funny.

    Although I do find this behavior highly annoying, there are certain times when I can find it amusing. Like in the presence of someone I just met who REALLY wants to show us that his figurative penis drags to the ground, and then some. I mean. Really? Cmon dude. I’m not going to sleep with you. So why are you trying so hard to impress us with how much money you make, name-dropping, or who & how many girls you slept with, etc. etc.

    Unless it’s Adriana Lima. Then maybe you are hung like Marky Mark in Boogie.


    August 13, 2010 at 2:45 am

    • I’m glad that you still use the moniker Sweatyhands, even if it’s only when talking to me. I always liked it better than Snowman. It has more character.

      Unlike you, I just can’t find it amusing. I don’t know if it’s age (it’s getting old, too) or it’s because it’s very prevalent in Korean society. Either way, these days I spend much of my time alone (the topic for an upcoming entry).


      August 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm

  2. I’m just seeing this post for the first time. Thank you so much for mentioning me. What a great feeling. Thanks again!


    August 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm

  3. The above comment is a spam comment (I erased the e-mail address and url from the user profile). People should read the post before they put up spam.

    I allowed the comment because, basically, he’s saying that he’s a douche. The only people I directly mention in the entry are my friend, Hole, and Bill Gates (and a couple authors).


    August 13, 2010 at 7:28 pm

  4. LOL…

    Just found your blog from the Korea Blog List…

    funny stuff!

    Charles Montgomery

    September 20, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    • Thanks.

      I’m glad that there’s some merit for putting my blog up on the list.


      September 21, 2010 at 12:27 am

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